My Digital Moleskine

This is a word I received today:

Don’t be scared. Go for it. Don’t hesitate, don’t doubt, don’t be afraid. I’m here pushing you from behind. Even when you run out of strength, energy, and motivation, you won’t stop moving forward because I’m pushing you from behind. I’m not forcing you, taking you where you don’t want to go. I’m not pulling you along, dragging a reluctant “you”. 

You see the open road, so just go for it. I am behind you. You can’t see me because I’m not in front of you, but don’t focus on the absence of me. I’m here and always will be right here. Just trust that I am with you, and you will begin to realize that there is a source of movement, strength, and passion pushing you from the back. 

I have your back. Just as you trust in me, I trust in you even more. I trust in how I created you, and how you will turn out to be. You don’t trust in yourself all the time, but I see you and trust in you. I’m so proud of you, even in your failures, and nothing will ever change that. 

Man, when God entrusts you to something, with something, He is literally TRUSTING IN YOU. Just as we trust in God, He trusts in us even moreso. Daddy God is so amazing… What a privilege I’ve been given! 

Freak more than ever, my heart has been burning to preach. I never thought I’d ever feel this way, but the fire to preach is stirring inside of me!

Stir up the flame!

Here is a bird’s eye picture of where I will be moving to. 

My parents showed me pictures today after they came back from our new home, and it suddenly hit me that this move is going to be much bigger than I was expecting. 

I’m moving 1100 miles away to the middle of nowhere. I have 1 neighbor every 4 acres. I’m literally moving into the mountain wilderness where I have no running water, the trees stretch upwards of 50 feet, got 4 acres of bush and tree to clear out, an unfinished grey shack of a house, and an estimated 1 year to finish fixing this shack-house. Hahahhaha

For some reason, I kept thinking that I’d be back to SoCal in a couple months… maybe 3 or 4 months… but today, I realized that it’s going to be much longer… sooo much longer!

Dang it, I’m honestly pretty bummed because things have been going so great here at home. I’ve been meeting and connecting with a lot of great people, my community has been growing stronger and closer, and momentum is building up all around me! I’m going to be completely honest. It REALLY FREAKING SUCKS that I have to leave everything that I’ve worked so hard for. Seriously, I know I come off as selfish, but it really freaking sucks

You know, I know why God is taking me out, and I’m super thankful for it, but it doesn’t change the fact that I feel really really sad about this.. 

God is taking me out because I KNOW 100% that I only get in the way of the very people that I’ve asked for. I am the dam to the floodgates. I’m the reason for the trickle. The breakthrough isn’t happening because I’m still here. Even if I pull back and plant myself behind the curtains, I’ll still be the cause of the lack of breakthrough. Obviously, not in a bad, putting-myself-down sort of way, but in a SUCCESSION MUST OCCUR sort of way. SUCCESSION will never happen until I leave, and well that’s just the way “passing the mantle of succession” happens. 

And I can’t say it enough, but God is really really teaching and training me to go against the “flow of circumstances”. Things are all chill and wonderful because everyone around me is on fire and going hard after the Father’s heart, but can I or will I continue to go even without them? Will I be able to stand if my community is taken away from me? Is my fire my own, or is just a meaningless, momentary vapor? I guess I’ll find out in a couple weeks. 

If I didn’t hear the latest “teachings” and “stories” of Christian living, will I be out of the loop with this new trendy, Charismatic, empowerment Christianity? LOL

When I think about it, so much of what is going on is sooooo trendy! I sometimes wonder how much of it is just learned behavior. Don’t you think it’s a little funny how if one crazy thing happens to one individual, the rest of this Charismatic camp jumps on the bandwagon and goes nuts over it? I’m a part of this too, but I’m beginning to wonder if I’ll even “fit” in with this Charismatic community after my time of wilderness. Will I just become one of those outdated, old-fashioned, traditional pentecostals? Hahaha, I’m seriously laughing so hard right now because I know I’m not the only one who notices this.

After I realized this whole trendy Charismatic thang, I noticed that I stopped buying “best-seller books”, and stopped listening to popular charismatic teachings. I’m pretty done with following the latest, trendy charismatic teaching. I’m definitely not against the teachings, but I’m against the mindless following. People will suck in and accept anything that tickles their ear in a feel-good way. I just want the truth, and sometimes that means accepting the hard truths and the tough love. Bring it!

Lord, raise up within me an Elijah spirit! I want to pave the way for the one who’s sandals I am not worthy to tie! I don’t need a new, trendy charismatic teaching or style. In everything, I just want real. I want authentic. I don’t need to have a niche in the charismatic or conservative community. I’d rather be hated by my own kind than to be accepted but compromised. But at the same time, I don’t want to be alone. I need community. I need brothers, sisters. I need forerunners, giant slayers, lion chasers, warriors, lovesick worshipers in my life! I need world changers to run with! 

Lord, 2-6 years, I believe it! You’ve already entrusted me with little. Now give me increase when I return! I am going to change the world! 

Complacency may paint nice, ignorantly blissful pictures in my head, but I’d much rather squeeze between the cracks in the difficult narrow path. 

I am a LOCHEM

Will my fellow LOCHEMS rise up with me? 

TRAIN MY HANDS FOR WAR, MY FINGERS FOR BATTLE! I declare Psalms 144 over myself! SHABABA

 I DECLARE THIS PLACE TO BE THE TRAINING GROUNDS FOR ME! TEACH ME TO BUILD HOUSES FOR THE POOR, TO GET BITTEN BY POISONOUS SNAKES BUT NOT FALTER, TO WORK HARD PHYSICAL LABOR AND PRESS ON EACH DAY, TO BE A MAN OF SELF-DISCIPLINE, TO CONQUER MY LAZINESS AND WEAK WILLED MIND, TO RISE BEFORE THE BIRDS SING, TO BE SPIRITUALLY ALERT AND LEARN FROM THE HOLY GHOST RATHER THAN GLEAN TINY MORSELS FROM TRENDY TEACHINGS, TO RISE ABOVE THE CIRCUMSTANCE AND STAND FOR MY KING. 

HERE AM I, SEND ME

I now see it, thank you Jesus. All the momentum being built up lately wasn’t for me to be sad about leaving, but it is for me to be excited to launch off into a new season, a new time of training. Would I have been able to go away if this momentum had not been propelling, pushing me from behind? I 100% doubt it, so I thank you Jesus for giving me the push that I needed to go. Jehovah Jireh all the way

I’m AJLFKHLJKADSHLKJEHRALKJHFDS 

3 weeks. 

BACKGROUND STORY: 

http://hensonator.xanga.com/727165663/fight-or-flight/

I had an interesting talk trying to get to know someone yesterday. The topic of Kingdom names came up and we shared ours. 

My Kingdom name is Lochem, which is translated to ‘warrior’. 

Timidity and fear is one of my biggest strongholds in life. Many years of rejection has proved to be quite a formidable opposition in my life. 

When I first learned of my name a while back, it confused the heck out of me. Why warrior? How am I even close to being a warrior? Physically, I’m like the smallest and weakest guy I know. I’m not athletic nor do I have great motor skills. I weigh the weight of an average sized woman, and I can’t even put up an intimidating front. Even my voice is higher pitched than the average male!?!? WHAT’S THE DEAL HERE!? IS THIS SOME KIND OF JOKE!?!? 

I wrote that Xanga entry 2 years ago, and it was written around the time I first learned of my Kingdom name. 

It’s funny that I happened to stumble upon it, but how appropriate!

The part that totally rocked me is the part that says “I wanna be the real Henson. I wanna be the person that I am when I’m driving by myself” (am I really re-evaluating and getting rocked by words that I wrote in the past? lol)… 

Today, my co-worker told me that he saw me driving home after work yesterday and said I was rocking out hard! HAHAHHA I laughed like crazy because I was in the ZONE worshipping MY POPS! KEKEKEKE

And this is why I love to worship in song and praise and prayer so much right now. Believe me, I’m all about balance, and I’m trying, I’m literally really trying to read my Bible!!!!… but I just can’t…. I just go deep with praise right now. I literally cannot stop, and I get so rocked by His presence!

And so this is why I love praise so much right now…. because these are moments when I am the real Henson, the real me… Literally every bit of fear and timidity disappears as I focus on Him and stop thinking of myself and everything from within me unleashes! Sometimes I yell, sometimes I sing, sometimes I pray, sometimes I shout! Sometimes I move around like a jitterbug, sometimes I lie down, and sometimes I weep. A lot of times though, I LAUGH like a madman!!! HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

This is the real me, and the more I focus on Him, the more of the real me comes out. This is why I love worship because the focus shifts from me to HIM. And the more I’m in this God-focused, God-centered place, the more real I become in the natural. I literally come out a slightly changed man every time I step out of praise and worship! This is why God calls me warrior!

He knows the real you even when you are unaware of it! I am literally watching the (fake) “coward” Henson being uncovered, revealing the (real) “warrior” Henson, and I WANT MORE! I WANT MORE OF THIS WARRIOR IDENTITY TO BE REVEALED! I WANT TO SEE WHAT GOD SEES IN ME AND IN OTHERS!

IMAGINE, SIMPLY IMAGINE IF YOU COULD SEE WHAT GOD SEES IN OTHERS! GIVE ME EYES FATHER!

I used to be a person who avoided social groups, not because I was anti-social, but because of this spirit of rejection and fear that dominated my life. But I am no longer subject to any spirits because the Holy Spirit lives in me and rocks every other spirit out there that tries to take dominion of this temple. HECK NO TECHNO!

I’m still FREAKING socially awkward but I find myself doing things that I would never have done 2 years ago. I’m dancing in front of strangers, I’m praying and singing louder, and I’m even starting to make small talk! I used to be the biggest critic of SMALL TALK, but I see its’ place now! LOL I KNOW ITS SO STUPID BUT THESE ARE TREMENDOUS BREAKTHROUGHS FOR ME! AND ITS ALL HAPPENING BECAUSE OF THE REVEALING OF TRUE IDENTITY! THE WARRIOR IS BECOMING A REALITY, NO LONGER SOME HIDDEN DREAM!

2 YEARS! 2 FREAKING YEARS IS TRUMPING 22 YEARS OF FEAR TIMIDITY AND REJECTION! AHHHHHHHHHHHH

AJKLSHFLKJHSFLKJAHLFKJDSHLKJFHLKAJSFH

IM LIKE A TANGLED PILE OF ROPES SLAMMED AGAINST THE FLOOR RIGHT NOW! THATS HOW I FEEL! DOES THAT MAKE SENSE!?!?!?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH